Things I forgot about newborns

19 Feb

Maybe my memories about infanthood have been repressed?  I don’t know, but I’m suddenly remembering all these things about newborns again. For example:

They have “The Knack”.  As soon as you pull that diaper away from their behind, the feces and urine start flowing. Boys can hit things 6 feet away. Hopefully your face is not in the crossfire. Similarly, through some complicated infantile biofeedback system that is not yet fully understood, a clean dry diaper results in immediate poop.  Then there is the uncanny ability that babies have to soak their bedding and clothing with pee, while not wetting their diaper at all.

Infants also have a sixth sense that allows them to optimize their meal time interruptions. Crying, pooping, and any other disturbance that prevents the parents from eating their food while still hot are acceptable per infant code.

All older children look like giant bobble headed aliens. How did these once tiny beings become so humungous? Is it even feasible that these beasts once squeezed through someone’s lady bits?

Breasts are weapons when your milk comes in.  Be careful, you could take someone’s eye out with those things.  Not only that, but also you can generate milk by just looking at the baby and suddenly, before you know it, you are in a wet t-shirt contest that you never intended.

At about 4 weeks postpartum you hit the “OMG is that a dead raccoon in my shower drain?” but really it’s just your own hair coming out in clumps.

No, I didn’t go to the salon to get French tips, that’s just Desitin under my fingernails.

Some husbands (not naming any names here *cough* Jeff) may mistake babies crying for their alarm going off and may attempt to silence those cries by hitting the snooze button several times a night.

But, you know, it’s all worth it. And I’d do it all over again. And again. x4.

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