Sage Advice

19 Sep

My whole life, I’ve always felt like a round peg in a square hole. Somehow, when I’m with my dad’s side of the family, I feel like I fit right in.  My relatives are, well, an interesting bunch. I had the chance to catch up with them this weekend when we attended my cousin’s wedding. Let me describe a few of the gang so you can get a feel for how the night went.

Uncle T:

  • Has had a hearing disability since he was a kid so he went to a school for the deaf to learn to read lips. As long as you face him, you can carry on a conversation. He’s an organic dairy farmer, and well, a hippy down to the core.
  • Married to my aunt D happily for probably 40 some years, although they each live in their own house. They still go out on dates.
  • Kid 1- Stayed home to milk the cows, runs the farm with his dad.
  • Kid 2- Career focused and environmentally friendly. She goes to alternative energy fairs in her spare time and is passionate about vermicomposting. Yup, vermicomposting. Never heard of it? Well, she has a bin full of worms in her basement that she feeds fruit and vegetable scraps and then uses the compost in her garden.
  • Kid 3- Loves working on trucks and is a proud supporter of the right to bear arms. He wore a tuxedo t-shirt under his dress shirt which he took off when he hit the dance floor. He also waxed philosophically about how he’s 32 and single and sad he’s never going to have kids of his own as he continually rubbed my pregnant belly.
  • Kid 4- Fellow animal lover who just bought a 2 seat convertible just because and treats her dog like she is human.

Aunt K:

  • Music teacher and master of refinishing and re-upholstering furniture.  Mother of the groom.
  • Kid 1: Came home for the wedding via 4 different flights because she took a job as a math teacher in a city/country in Africa that i can never remember the name of. Ogadabago or something. I supposed I could google it. She’s also the swim coach there even though she never swam competitively.
  • Kid 2: Groom. Is a distributor of fine wines. Wore a polka dot bow tie and suspenders at the wedding. Took dance lessons as a kid.

Aunt S:

  • Paralegal who likes meditate in her free time. Believes in a higher purpose for all things. For her 59th birthday we went snow tubing for the day and then snow shoed a candlelight 5K that night.
  • Kid 1- Two time Iraq war Veteran, loves to ice fish, and has crazy red hair. Likes to make omelets to order and makes a mean hash brown.
  • Kid 2-  RN who works with teenage pregnant women, speaks fluent Spanish, is vegetarian-ish.

Father B:

  • Enlisted in the Navy for 4 years. Always had a huge vegetable garden. Great at baking bread and pies. Is a contractor, hunts and fishes in his spare time.
  • Married to my mom for 46? 47? years. Still grabs her ass when in public and talks about sex. Eww.
  • Kid 1- Teacher of 1st graders. Married to a sports lover and has 2 kids similar in ages to mine.
  • Kid 2- Me!

I’ve got another Aunt with 2 sons who were unable to make it so I’ll spare you their descriptions.

My parents and I sat at a round table with a few of my cousins. We enjoyed a lovely salad and bread and were waiting for our dinner when my dad went over, put his arm around my cousin, and started giving her unsolicited advice. This is nothing new for my dad, he has more opinions than anyone I know and well, his tact is lacking to say the least. Last summer, he asked me at least two times “Are you pregnant or just getting fat” and when I was a teenager with acne “What’s that on your face” more times than I’d like to reminisce about.

“You know what you need? You need to get laid.” Of course this was said in his extremely loud dad voice during a fairly quite time during the reception. I’m sure everyone around us heard him.

Then after the Best Man and Maid of Honor gave their toasts, my dad tried to grab the microphone. The groom looked at my aunt with fear and asked if he should let him have it. My aunt said no! My dad persevered, so they let him talk. We were all dreading what he would say next. He’s also been known to burst into song, but that wouldn’t come until later. Thankfully he just said something heartfelt about welcoming the new members to the family.

At one point, my aunts, uncles, and cousins got dragged up to the front to sing a song to the bride. It was a song that my grandma always used to sing, so it was kinda sweet. At least there was no talk of getting laid.

My husband took the evening as an opportunity to harass two of my cousins’ significant others. He demanded that they bring a proposal to Christmas detailing their intentions and when they expect they will propose. They have been dating for quite a while, I guess he decided it’s time to put the pressure on? As folks in my family would say “Shit or get off the pot”.

One of the significant others heard that the groom used to tap dance, so they are now on a quest to find some size 10 tap shoes so he can perform for us at Christmas. It should be a good time.

My cousins drank and danced all night long until we shut the place down. We spent the night at my cousin who “needs to get laid” since she lives nearby. By we, I mean my aunt S who slept in the yard in her tent, my parents who brought their own air mattress and slept next to the washer and dryer because they thought it would be quiet in there, three cousins, one significant other, Jeff, and I. The following morning, we had breakfast complete with bloody marys for those who needed them. We reminisced about the events of the night before and my dad’s fantastic advice. As we chatted, my cousin revealed some sage advice that I can’t get out of my mind. This wonderful gem comes from my aunt D.

Three rules for life:

  • Never pass by a bathroom
  • Don’t trust a fart
  • Never pass up a hard on

On that note, I’ll leave you. I hope you all have family with which you can feel like you are your true self. And help you find a hard on?



One Response to “Sage Advice”

  1. Sonya November 7, 2013 at 1:10 pm #

    It’s Liz not Karl with the crazy red hair. Great read otherwise!

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