How to Shower Like a Mom

4 Jan

A friend posted this on her facebook.  I thought it was funny, but as I was reading, I was thinking that I never have time to shower like a woman.  I decided I needed to write my own addition.   How to Shower Like a Mom.  Read on….

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.  Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MOM:

Take off your pajamas/sweatpants/yoga pants that you never got a chance to change out of even though it is well past noon.  Tip toe to the bathroom hoping not to wake the baby from its nap.  Brush your teeth for the first time for the day.  Look at your stretch marks and saggy breasts in the mirror and long for the days where they were cute and perky.  Get in the shower.  Turn on the water.  Start to shampoo your hair.  Hear the door open and someone yell “MOMMA! I gotta go potty!”.  Hop out of the shower dripping wet and soapy to get the little one taken care of.  Hop back in the shower and rinse off.  A child pulls back the shower curtain and asks to come in the shower too.  In they climb.  Attempt to shave your neglected hairy legs while polka-ing with the toddler under your feet.  Throw some conditioner in your hair and rinse it out quick.  Turn the water off and hear the baby screaming.  Run naked and soaking wet to the nursery to calm the baby. Return to the bathroom to grab a towel and find the toddler eating your lipstick and toothpaste squirted all over the bathroom.  Wonder why you even bother.

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One Response to “How to Shower Like a Mom”

  1. ginger January 4, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

    you forgot after you turn on the water you sigh and think how nice this is being soo quite THEn you hear MOOOOOOOOM! lol

    you shoudl also have a how to shower like a dad….see above how to shower like a man…same still applies lol

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