Parenting Personality Quiz for the rest of us

11 Jul

So I recently took this parenting quiz…

It included some lame questions like:
It’s your child’s first day of kindergarten, so you…

  • Have a sing-along in the car, and celebrate after school with ice cream.
  • Take photos with your smartphone, email them to the grandparents.
  • Linger outside the door to make sure everything goes well.
  • Give your child a hug and tell him to have fun.
My results:
Free-Range Parent
You’re the parent who always seems to have a little extra time—including time to listen. You believe it’s better to under schedule than to overschedule your kids, and that having time to just be, play and savor the moment beats most classes and organized activities when it comes to sparking creativity and teaching kids how to live well and enjoy life. You keep your kids safe, but you also encourage them to explore and take risks, and you don’t consider dirty clothes or skinned knees a crisis.
Thoroughly lame.  The lives these parents lead must be painfully boring.  If I were to write a parenting personality quiz it would be something more like this:
You find your child covered from head to toe in ketchup.  The first thing that you do is:
  • Yell “Oh shit!”
  • Go grab your camera so you can take a picture to prove to your spouse the crazy crap you deal with when they are not around.
  • Grab the kid and throw him/her into the tub before he/she can touch anything else.
  • Google the best way to clean up ketchup.
Your kid decides to take a flying leap off the top of the (couch, counter, etc) and gets an owie.  You:

  • Give a lecture for the 1,000,000th time about not jumping off the furniture.
  • Remind your kid that we only jump off the furniture in our own home, not at other peoples’ houses.
  • Drop an F bomb.
  • Pull a band-aid out of the first aid kit that you must carry with you at all times because of shit like this.
Your kids throw a tantrum at the grocery store.  You:

  • Yell at your kids- “I’m about to whoop your ass if you don’t knock it off.”
  • Buy them some candy to shut them the fuck up.
  • Glare at the people who give you nasty looks.  As if their kids never pulled this shit.
  • Leave the store without getting anything on your list.
  • Let them eat the food in the cart before you’ve paid.

Your kid finds a toad/snake while playing outside.  You:

  • Yell “No, don’t bite the snake!”.  What, has this not happened to you before?
  • Screech like an alien and run the hell away.
  • Tell them they can only keep the animal for the day, reminding them that the last time Mr Snake got left loose in the house and that you found Mr Toad dried out and dead.
  • Yell “Put that fucking thing down!”.
For dinner tonight you are having:

  • Leftovers.
  • Cereal and fruit.
  • Whatever the kids grab out of the fridge.
  • Frozen pizza/chicken nuggets/mac and cheese.  You know, the usual.
  • Shit, I just fed these kids lunch, are you telling me I need to do this all over again in 5 hours?
If you had a superpower, you would describe it as:
  • The ability to clean poop and vomit without gagging.
  • The ability to survive on minimal sleep.
  • Your skill at getting stains out.
  • Go-go gadget boobies, the power to breastfeed in any position.
If you could pick one luxury from life pre kids, you would choose:
  • Going to the bathroom without an escort.
  • Sleeping.
  • Having sex without getting interrupted or even just having a sex drive.
  • Being able to complete a thought without interruption or distraction.
If you had to describe yourself as an animal, you would describe yourself as:
  • A cheetah.  Because of your catlike reflexes and quick responses when your kid is about to launch him or her self off the furniture/shopping cart seat, etc.
  • An elephant.  Because you are not going to forget all the shit that these kids did to you and god damn it, they better spring for a nice retirement home for you when you are old and decrepit.
  • An ox.  Because you are strong enough to put up with the constant whining and chaos.
  • A bat.  Because these mother fuckers are driving you bat shit crazy.
Bitches, you win.  Who needs a score?  I can tell you your parenting personality.  Survival.  Get through today.  Go to bed.  Get through tomorrow.  Repeat, repeat.  You rock.  You do the best you can and you do what works for your family.  If your kids survive to become adolescents, you are doing an amazing job.  Hamsters would have eaten their offspring by now.

2 Responses to “Parenting Personality Quiz for the rest of us”

  1. Samantha July 11, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

    This just cracked me up. But you forgot the “all of the above” option for EVERY question, lol.

  2. Sonya August 1, 2012 at 11:03 am #

    Jana, you HAVE to publish this in a book someday. You’re too young to know Irma Bombeck but she was my hero for all the reasons you are my hero.

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