Something about Babies

27 Apr

I’ve said it before.  Babies are like crack.  It makes no sense.  They are dirty, screaming, poop factories.

I recently had one of those “I must be pregnant” moments and as my invisipeeps would say, “Go POAS”.  For those of you who don’t know, invisipeeps are your online friends and POAS stands for pee on a stick.  Translation:  take a pregnancy test.  So I headed to the Dollar Tree.  Because, you know, as a POAS-aholic, those pregnancy tests get expensive, but everything is a dollar at The Dollar Tree.  I kid you not.  Haven’t you been there?

So I stroll into The Dollar Tree with all three kids.  And of course, I felt the need to hide my pregnancy tests under other miscellaneous toiletries.  And not make eye contact with the clerk.  I didn’t want to see the dirty looks I might be getting from him as I buy my two pregnancy tests with my three slightly unruly kids in tow.  And even though everything is a dollar and I only got two pregnancy tests, I ended up spending $15.  How does that work?

But it turns out I’m just getting fat.  And by no means to we need another rugrat running around as we can barely keep up with the three we already have.  I mean, Jesus Christ, today I thought I lost the littlest one and we didn’t even leave the house!  I got sidetracked on a phone call and couldn’t find Nora when I got done.  After several panicked minutes of running through the house and around the yard screaming “NORA!”  “NORA!” as if she were a little lost puppy, I finally tracked her down, passed out asleep on the floor of the boys’ bedroom.  And just now, Nora stood up on the coffee table, took off her pants and diaper, and peed.  I ran off to get a towel to mop it up before it dribbled onto the carpet.  I came back in time to see Sawyer whip it out and pee on the table too.  WHAT THE HELL?

But when the pregnancy test came back negative, I was sad.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  It must be some sort of evolutionary drive that woman have to continue the species.  Or if you are catholic, it’s god’s fault.  I go back and forth on having more kids as often as Mitt Romney flip flops on the issues.  It truly must be some form of insanity, perhaps we can get a mental health diagnosis on this?  What would the DSM-5 criteria be?

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2 Responses to “Something about Babies”

  1. stephicakes April 30, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    Right there with you Jana! Read this one: http://stephicakes.com/2012/04/10/im-not-pregnant/

  2. Feeling Good About Feminism May 8, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    HAHA. obviously they don’t like your table. Or, Sawyer really loves his little sister. Either way, seeing what I get to look forward to one day.

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