Your baby isn’t that cute.

4 Oct

Haven’t you always wanted to tell people that?  Really.  We don’t need 500 pictures of them wearing slightly different outfits with slightly different expressions.  And newborns?  Hell, I didn’t even think my kids looked cute when they were newborns.  Your kid is outright ugly.   Misshapen head, smooshed face, wrinkly bright pink skin, strange clump of hair on it’s head that looks like a itty bitty toupee, baby acne, skin peeling off, gross rotting flesh of an umbilical cord with a mini Low Jack tag on it, and ointment filled goopy eyes.  I mean, really, what is there to love about a newborn?  That disgusting tar like poop?  The way they like to pee the minute you take their diaper off?  All that goop that they are born in?  The saying “Only a mother could love that face” could never be more true.

And what is up with those toddlers that have gigantic heads?  Their proportions are more like a bobble head doll than a human.  Or the ones that have no hair until they are like 3 years old.  It’s like you took a kid’s body and stuck a gigantic baby head on top of it.  It just looks strange.

Kids don’t really hit cuteness til maybe a year and a half.  And, well, really, some of them never hit cuteness.  Maybe they’ll grow into their faces.  Teenage years can be rough.  But, there is still hope.  Look at Patrick Dempsey and Jerry O’Connell.  Maybe your kid will be cute someday.


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