Things I fished out of Violet’s mouth today

12 Sep

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Be glad this isn’t a photo post about things I fished out of her diaper.  You’re welcome.

Violet’s No Cry No Sleep Solution

5 Sep

Top 10 ways to stay awake in the middle of the night.

10.  Downward dog, then stick your butt up and wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
9. Flap your arms.
8. Kick your legs.
7. Hum. Squeal. Hum. Giggle.
6. Blow raspberries.
5. If near to the momma, crawl on the momma and smoosh her face with your face.  Suck on her nose if you’d like.
4. Shake the pacifier, chew on the wrong end, rattle it against side of the crib.
3. Suck on your toes.
2. Pinch the momma or dadda’s lips, nose, cheeks, neck, arms, and chest.
1. Smack, smack, smack the momma or the dadda.

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Here’s me practicing numbers 4, 8, and 9.  Maybe I’ll let the momma sleep tomorrow night.  Haha, I kid, I kid.

Real life

22 May

My favorite people are the ones who are real, blunt, and honest.  It’s hard to be a parent.  The demands of life are crazy.  So to that end, I’m going to be honest about what things look like around here.  It’s a mess all the time.  Some people over exaggerate when they describe their house as messy, so I’ll share some pictures I just took of the norm around here so you can see how messy it is.

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The living room isn't too bad.

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The dining room isn't horrible either.

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The kitchen.

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The dryer appears to have thrown up several baskets of laundry.

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The kids room. It's a fire hazard.

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Our bedroom.

I must explain the laundry protocol.  The clean ones are by the dryer or in a basket in the bedroom.  Dirty ones are lying on the floor everywhere.  If you need clothes, you dig through the pile until you find something.  It will be wrinkly.  You can put it in the dryer with a wet washcloth to get the wrinkles out because the iron hasn’t seen daylight in years. 

Do you feel any better about your house now?  Good!

Real life

22 May

My favorite people are the ones who are real, blunt, and honest.  It’s hard to be a parent.  The demands of life are crazy.  So to that end, I’m going to be honest about what things look like around here.  It’s a mess all the time.  Some people over exaggerate when they describe their house as messy, so I’ll share some pictures I just took of the norm around here so you can see how messy it is.

image

The living room isn't too bad.

image

The dining room isn't horrible either.

image

The kitchen.

image

The dryer appears to have thrown up several baskets of laundry.

image

The kids room. It's a fire hazard.

image

Our bedroom.

I must explain the laundry protocol.  The clean ones are by the dryer or in a basket in the bedroom.  Dirty ones are lying on the floor everywhere.  If you need clothes, you dig through the pile until you find something.  It will be wrinkly.  You can put it in the dryer with a wet washcloth to get the wrinkles out because the iron hasn’t seen daylight in years. 

Do you feel any better about your house now?  Good!

How to Discipline

17 Apr 006
  1.  Always yell and be sure to lose your temper.  If you aren’t yelling, they aren’t hearing.
  2. Make threats.  “I will throw away everything you own/make you sleep in the garage/you’ll flunk 3rd grade/Santa isn’t coming/we’re canceling our Disney trip we already paid for”.
  3. Spank.  Make sure to leave a hand print or it won’t be effective.
  4. Be inconsistent.
  5. Rub their noses in their potty mistakes, just like you would if you were training a puppy.
  6. Call them names/make fun of them/bully them.
  7. Explain how their consequences are so appropriate with big elaborate words for a half an hour. “When you are grown up, you’ll be so glad that your mom and dad punished you.  You need to develop a sense of self control and the best way to do that is for us to condition you using the extrinsic reward model.  BF Skinner says that operant conditioning is effective in reinforcing positive behaviors. I know you hate time outs, but it is a widely accepted practice and we only expect that you meet the release contingency…”
  8. Be overly dramatic and self centered. ‘You know your behavior is going to be the death of me/You’re always interrupting my General Hospital/You need to eat again?”.
  9. Make sure to never let them out of your sight.  Hover if need be. Don’t let them do anything for themselves, they might do it wrong.
  10. Just tell them no.  That’s what worked for my mother in law. Darned if I never thought to try that.

Happy Birthday Griffin!

10 Apr Griffin

GriffinGriffin turned 9 this weekend!!! Being 9 is difficult. Poor kid vacillates between acting very mature and struggling to control his emotions.  One minute he’s acting so responsible and a few minutes later he is having a temper tantrum about his brother eating chips that are crunchy.  The crunching noise drives Griffin crazy as does Nora eating with her mouth open, and the sound of spoons hitting teeth.  Jeans are the anti-Christ, a torture device invented by some cruel individual. Homework is something to hide/bury/feed to your dog.

On the other hand, I catch him running around and chasing his sister with giggles abounding. He tolerates his siblings hanging out when he has friends over to play.  He can cook ramen noodles and mac and cheese by himself and run the microwave to reheat things.  He likes to rock hunt and go on adventures outside.  Legos are his favorite toy and he builds some amazing creations.

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Happy birthday kiddo!  It doesn’t seem possible that it was 9 years ago that you made your dramatic entry into the world followed by your desire to eat every 15 minutes.  I don’t feel old enough to have a 9 year old!!!

Things I forgot about newborns

19 Feb

Maybe my memories about infanthood have been repressed?  I don’t know, but I’m suddenly remembering all these things about newborns again. For example:

They have “The Knack”.  As soon as you pull that diaper away from their behind, the feces and urine start flowing. Boys can hit things 6 feet away. Hopefully your face is not in the crossfire. Similarly, through some complicated infantile biofeedback system that is not yet fully understood, a clean dry diaper results in immediate poop.  Then there is the uncanny ability that babies have to soak their bedding and clothing with pee, while not wetting their diaper at all.

Infants also have a sixth sense that allows them to optimize their meal time interruptions. Crying, pooping, and any other disturbance that prevents the parents from eating their food while still hot are acceptable per infant code.

All older children look like giant bobble headed aliens. How did these once tiny beings become so humungous? Is it even feasible that these beasts once squeezed through someone’s lady bits?

Breasts are weapons when your milk comes in.  Be careful, you could take someone’s eye out with those things.  Not only that, but also you can generate milk by just looking at the baby and suddenly, before you know it, you are in a wet t-shirt contest that you never intended.

At about 4 weeks postpartum you hit the “OMG is that a dead raccoon in my shower drain?” but really it’s just your own hair coming out in clumps.

No, I didn’t go to the salon to get French tips, that’s just Desitin under my fingernails.

Some husbands (not naming any names here *cough* Jeff) may mistake babies crying for their alarm going off and may attempt to silence those cries by hitting the snooze button several times a night.

But, you know, it’s all worth it. And I’d do it all over again. And again. x4.

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